Death scares me.

I never read The fault in our stars, nor I ever watched the movie. The only movies I have ever watched on death, and leukaemia is A walk to remember, Kal ho na ho. And I have cried like a baby, every single time. I can’t bear sadness inside me. I cry and let it out via salty waters.

It’s not like I haven’t seen death. I have seen people die. Two of my uncles just passed away, after fighting incurable diseases. I miss them. Sometimes. I do. I even think how different would life be, if they were alive?

And whenever I think of them. And death scares me.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons I never even wanted to read/ watch THE FAULT IN OUR STARS.

I knew I wouldn’t handle it, well. It scares me. Things like these. People getting sick. And just dying.

Few days back, a friend of mine, used a FIOS reference, which I obviously didn’t understand, and he was shocked I haven’t read the book. He made it sound like I had made a terrible mistake.

A literary mistake.

It was then I decided to commit another mistake. I couldn’t gather the courage to read the book, but I downloaded the movie. And watched it.

I shouldn’t have.

Because I said, death scares me. Eulogies and sad endings make me sad. I don’t want to imagine death. I don’t want to see death. I want to see a world without grievance, without loss, without death.

I’m scared to think who will tend to my mother,lest I suddenly die?

Who will solve the problems of my dad, lest I disappear one day?

Who will fulfill all the wishes of my little sister, if one day she wakes up and realises I’m no more.

Or worse, what if I lose a loved one?

People survive loss. I’m afraid to.

These thoughts scare me to the core. Sometimes. Because life is a lump sum of unfulfilled wishes, unkept promises and a lot of desires.

But life’s like that. Isn’t it?

It apparently just stops mid sentence. Without a full stop, without a notice, it just stops.

Maybe Before we even get to say, okay?

6 thoughts on “Death scares me.”

  1. Be aware not scared. When you are aware of the fact that it’s gonna end you tend to make most of it, you value life and presence of people around. Get most out of life. I have watched the movie first then read fault in our stars liked both movie and the book. Just the way you are scared of death I am scared of paranormal activity wali movies. Can’t watch any horror movie.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this! Death is just one of things you don’t want to think about regularly. And I don’t think until I got diagnosed with Lupus or had a child that I really thought about it. Now it’s a constant What will happen if it happens? 💜 sorry to hear about your uncles!

    And ironically I just checked out FIOS! I’ll be sure to send you a cheat sheet 🙂


  3. No doubt you know that writing is self-exploration, no matter what the subject is, whether fiction or not. Keep exploring. I think of it as a meditation where the mind is slowed to the speed of a pen, and focused (sometimes), a special kind of mindfulness. Okay, keyboard.

    I’ve come to accept death as simply part of life, and I don’t fear it because I have no reason to. But of course, it’s hard on beloveds when someone dies. I think its being scary is normal, and one’s perspective on it evolves through the decades, and usually becomes less scary. Writing about it like you have here is part of the evolution of your consciousness. Writing is both expression and digestion. So write on!


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