I never read The fault in our stars, nor I ever watched the movie. The only movies I have ever watched on death, and leukaemia is A walk to remember, Kal ho na ho. And I have cried like a baby, every single time. I can’t bear sadness inside me. I cry and let it out via salty waters.
It’s not like I haven’t seen death. I have seen people die. Two of my uncles just passed away, after fighting incurable diseases. I miss them. Sometimes. I do. I even think how different would life be, if they were alive?
And whenever I think of them. And death scares me.
Maybe that’s one of the reasons I never even wanted to read/ watch THE FAULT IN OUR STARS.
I knew I wouldn’t handle it, well. It scares me. Things like these. People getting sick. And just dying.
Few days back, a friend of mine, used a FIOS reference, which I obviously didn’t understand, and he was shocked I haven’t read the book. He made it sound like I had made a terrible mistake.
A literary mistake.
It was then I decided to commit another mistake. I couldn’t gather the courage to read the book, but I downloaded the movie. And watched it.
I shouldn’t have.
Because I said, death scares me. Eulogies and sad endings make me sad. I don’t want to imagine death. I don’t want to see death. I want to see a world without grievance, without loss, without death.
I’m scared to think who will tend to my mother,lest I suddenly die?
Who will solve the problems of my dad, lest I disappear one day?
Who will fulfill all the wishes of my little sister, if one day she wakes up and realises I’m no more.
Or worse, what if I lose a loved one?
People survive loss. I’m afraid to.
These thoughts scare me to the core. Sometimes. Because life is a lump sum of unfulfilled wishes, unkept promises and a lot of desires.
But life’s like that. Isn’t it?
It apparently just stops mid sentence. Without a full stop, without a notice, it just stops.
Maybe Before we even get to say, okay?